watching drama has made me realise, how much I want people to understand me and its not even their fault but my inability to express me emotions more.

I don't even think that writing things help me express them very much, maybe I'll try another method.

It too hard to write the thing I want to say because I never manage to say ti the way I want to and therefore never write it.

I think I have problems in believing in people, because I don't like to rely on others and tend to blame myself when things go wrong, I thin I now find it hard to believe someone when they say soemthing to me. Maybe its natural to not get your hopes up.

I dont know what I'm doing, I should be revising for my exams, and yet? I don't just haven't been in the mood to work.

It shocks me how my emotions change, I don't seem to care about elizabeth anymore, after knowing ehr for around 5/4 years? It surprises me... I dont know why, maybe its because I havent seen ehr face to face, tlaking on msn is very different and somehow very unappelaing.

I think I get hurt by things others don't realise, I don't know if I'm good at hiding some of my emotions, or maybe some people do notice and just fails to mention?

I find people interesting, but I find my-self exacerbating and annoying.

How ocme I just can't say some simple thing to some people?

Like... How I never seem to be able to say to H just before the biology exam to stop caring about what K did, ad just drop the subject, because she seem to be worried and anxious over her exam and just tkaing all her emotions out on K, even though what did was not right... but for H to do that. I just walked on, and pushed it to the back of my mind. I didnt want to have to deal with this when I have an exam tht morning... But then when has the right time ever been?

Why did it matter to H? I know H was annoyed my K, but to be honest she was just angry at herself? IT's like every times once I see them move on from that, they seem to bring it up again, it just frustrates me and makes me want to go: for fuck sakes, get over it. I mean if she didn't like K stop makes jibes at her and just go and say it to her face, or just dont have any contact with her. I;ve never reprimanded H, I didnt want to, but tht time I never wanted to so mcuh before.

I was disappointed in H.

So mcuh is going to happen in the next month, in ways I guess my emotions would go through a collercoaster. I don't notice myself as I change, maybe in ways I do, I think my tolerance has lowered, I used to be alot more tolerant to alot more things. I used to be able to tolerate everything.

I guess now I just seen to lack motivation for anything. I think this would be better after my exams are over.

my problem is i just want to be alone. and many people think i'm weird. my family thinks i'm selfish and i just feel the right to privacy has been so very violated that makes me want to be alone.

people would never understand unless they make an effort. sometimes, it's not ur fault.
» renaye on 2007-06-13 08:53:37

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